The Air Conditioner
by Stretch Snodgrass
Summary: Connie recalls how, one hot summer many years before, Mrs. Davis was able to purchase an expensive window air-conditioning unit. Reviews greatly appreciated.
1. Daisy's Visit

Life had returned to normal, several weeks after the big Madison High School reunion. Connie Boynton nee Brooks' daughter had moved in across the street, into Mrs. Davis' old home. (2) Connie's husband, Phillip, now the tender age of ninety-three, was frog-hunting with his great-grandson. And Connie's old enemy, Daisy Leblanc nee Enright, was vexing her the way only Daisy could.

"I don't see how you could let Phillip go frog hunting at _his_ age" Daisy needled, though like Connie, she herself was a healthy ninety. "Why, that uneven grass! That dirty, brackish pond in those insect infected woods! He will catch pneumonia or fall for sure. _If he were my husband_ , I would never allow him to do such a fool thing!'

"Well, he's my husband" Connie rejoined, with a smile. "as you well know! I thought we settled that nearly sixty years ago."

"It was a figure of speech, darling" said Daisy. "A word or phrase used for rhetorical or vivid effect. Really, I'm surprise Connie? My fellow retired English teacher not understanding the definition of a figure of speech?"

"Understand, yes' said Connie. "Recite the definition unprompted? No."

"Well!" said Daisy, "the point remains. How could you let him do it?"

"Oh, Phil's not going to go in the water" said Connie. "Just supervise and instruct Pete on the finer points of frog hunting and frog-ology. But do you really think I'd nag Phillip out of doing one of the things he loves?"

"Just a few months ago you were saying how frog hunting at _your age_ meant a dip in the pond and a case of pneumonia" said Daisy.

" _I_ don't like frog hunting" said Connie simply.

"Well, I would go with him!" said Daisy. "If you're too infirm to take a simple walk in the park, well, that's not something I have to worry about."

"That's true. You wouldn't have to worry about _that_. You'd never go. You'd be afraid it would aggravate your arthritis" chided Connie. "It seems to me that you once said even _thinking_ about frog-hunting did that to you. I never knew you had become such a hypochondriac, Daisy. But I suppose an _old woman_ like you is prone to such alarms."

Connie and Daisy looked at one another and laughed. Truthfully, the two had become good friends once their rivalry over Mr. Boynton had ended with Connie's marriage decades before. Daisy's defeat had, in the long run, been graceful, leading as it had to a long and happy marriage to French teacher Monsieur Leblanc.

However, the two woman enjoyed sparring as if their rivalry was still white-hot.

"Honestly, Connie, aren't you just a tad worried?" asked Daisy.

"No" said Connie, although she was, in truth, slightly concerned. "You know Phil's been a biologist, these many years. Now, while he might have been something of a gourmand in years gone bye, what with his cast-iron stomach and all . . . ."

"Oh, I remember that barbeque he gave for me years ago! And his hot sauce!" said Daisy with a frown.

"As do I" said Connie. "But Phil has also been interested in proper nutrition for years. If I had a dime for every time he mentioned that bone density decreases in age, well, we would have enough money to goldplate the house here. (3) So, we've taken care to keep our joints from rusting with age. We've drank enough milk these past sixty years to justify keeping that cow we once had to hide in Phil's lab" (4)

"Oh, I never heard of that!" said Daisy, intrigued.

"Mrs. Davis bought a cow for her brother Victor" said Connie, looking at the portrait of her old landlady beaming in the afternoon sun. "She also bought me a cushion for my desk chair. Good old absent-minded Mrs. Davis mixed-up the orders and sent the cow to my classroom and the pillow to her brother."

"Oh my" said Daisy. "A cow in the school! Mr. Conklin must have had a fit."

"He certainly did" said Connie, shaking her head. "Though I don't see how it was so much worse than boarding the school goat. The goat you had eat _my_ school garden." (5)

"Oh, let's not discuss that again!" said Daisy. "You do tend to go on. But I suppose its because you've developed quite the green thumb since."

"Phillip does like green" said Connie ironically. "But I'm sure my thumb isn't so bad as that time Walter Denton's Easter Egg dye made my face turn _literally_ green." (6)

"Oh, you know what I mean" said Daisy. "I envy your ability to dig around in the dirt like a gopher and bringing up all these flowers around this _quaint_ cottage of yours."

"I know what you mean" said Connie sarcastically. "The only thing you'd want to do on a hot day like this is to curl up and take a nice catnap in the sun."

"Connie! Are you calling me a cat?"

"If the whiskers fit" said Connie. (7)

"Are you saying I have whiskers?"

"Well, if you take off that pound of makeup maybe we'll see."

"Really!" said Daisy, slowly rising. "If I'm to be insulted I may as well just leave."

"Oh, calm down Daisy" said Connie smiling tolerantly.

"Well, you did get me that time" Daisy admitted, sitting down again. "No, really, Connie. The truth is it is a beautiful garden. I honestly don't have the patience for it. Especially on a hot day like this. I just want to stay inside with the air conditioning. I've been privileged that way. Why when I was a young girl, they were so expensive. But Mama and Papa, they had the best."

"When you were a young girl, to keep cool you took a refreshing dip in the Roman aqueducts."

"No, I'm serious, Connie" said Daisy, exasperated.

"I well know how uncomfortable it gets" said Connie, diplomatically. "I remember that year I taught summer school. It was a hundred and ten degrees, and we were all, students and teachers alike, angling to take a dip in the old swimming hole. Walter, Stretch, Harriet and even Mr. Boynton had bathing suits on under their clothes, just waiting for the chance to take a dip . . . The old style, full length types no less." (8)

"Of course, I must have been at the resort at Eagle Springs or Crystal Lake at the time" said Daisy. (9) "I _am_ sorry you had to endure so many of those summers."

"That was the last hot summer I had to _endure_ " said Connie. "The very next year Mrs. Davis had a plug-in, portable airconditioner to place in her living room."

"Mrs. Davis? But how could she afford it? With you _always_ so behind in your rent?" (10).

"Walter Denton, of course" said Connie. "One of his schemes backfired, and this air conditioning system fell into our hands as a result. It all began at breakfast, at Mrs. Davis', over sixty years ago . . . ."

 **NOTES**

(1) The "Madison High School Reunion" refers to "The Reunion Assembly", the other _Our Miss Brooks_ story I wrote.

At the conclusion of the "Our Miss Brooks" film, Mr. Boynton buys the house across the street from Mrs. Davis and becomes engaged to Miss Brooks.

(2) The radio episode "Mr. Boynton's Barbeque". Mr. Boynton makes a "mild" hot sauce that has Miss Enright and Mr. Conklin rushing for a drink of water. There's also the radio episode "Pensacola Popovers" where Miss Brooks feeds Mr. Boynton a steady supply of food throughout the day in order to make him sick (and call upon Miss Brooks to nurse him in his illness).

(3) In an effort to avoid buying lunch, the radio episode "Mr. Boynton's Lots" has Mr. Boynton warn Miss Brooks that people over the age of thirty shouldn't eat too much. After the age of thirty, excess caloric intake becomes "unsightly blubber" warned Mr. Boynton. And he clinched the matter by complimenting Miss Brooks on being slim. In "Trying to Pick a Fight" (television) and "Arguments, Arguments" (radio), Mr. Boynton lectures Miss Brooks on the nutritional value of jellybeans.

(4) "Cow in Closet" (radio)

(5) "Miss Brooks Takes Over Spring Garden" (radio)

(6) "Dyeing Easter Eggs" (radio)

(7) Calling Miss Enright a cat (due to her being "catty") was a favourite tactic of Miss Brooks. For example, in "Home Cooked Meal" (television) Miss Brooks said to Miss Enright "Oh, you use your own needle! I thought you just used your own claws!"

(8) "The Heat Wave" (radio). What Connie doesn't mention is that _she too_ had on an old-style bathing suit under her dress.

(9) "Eagle Springs" was mentioned a few times as a vacation spot near Madison. In "Trip to Eagle Springs" (radio), Miss Brooks plots to pay a visit. In "Swap Week" and "Turnabout Day", Miss Brooks and Mr. Boynton go up to Eagle Springs to see the head of the school board.

"Crystal Lake" was a favourite vacation spot on the program. The Conklins had a cottage on Crystal Lake, having Connie over a couple times ("Weekend at Crystal Lake" and "An American Tragedy", both radio episodes). In "Hawkins Travel Agency" (an episode with identical radio and television versions), Harriet Conklin mentions her mother was sick of spending summers at their Crystal Lake cottage. Crystal Lake is also home to a few hotels. In "Who's Going Where," Mr. Boynton and Miss Brooks each book rooms at a resort on the lake. Oddly enough, in the movie, it's referred to as "Crystal Bay." Gary Nolan keeps his motor yacht, _The Paradise_ , on the lake/bay.

(10) A running gag through the series was Miss Brooks being in arrears in her room rent, i.e. on television "The Embezzled Dress" (television) and it's radio equivalent "Student Banking."


	2. It Will Never Catch On

**It Will Never Catch On**

It was one of those warm June days. Not so hot as July or August, but sweltering in their own right. It was the kind of day when school children throughout the Northern United States faced a muggy, sticky day in their classrooms, while daydreaming of summer vacation only a few weeks away. (1)

Privately, Miss Brooks was with her students. It was a terrible day to be in class. Though she would not be teaching summer school this year, (2) a hot June day was something to be endured. Mrs. Davis' attempts to help Miss Brooks at breakfast only made things worse.

"There's nothing like a good hot breakfast to start a good hot day" Miss Brooks observed mordantly, as she sat down in Mrs. Davis' small dining room. "Well, hot coffee, hot eggs and hot pancakes will prepare me for what's to come."

"That would be the worst thing, Connie" said Mrs. Davis, as she left the kitchen with a few platters for Miss Brooks. "I have a few things for you that will prepare you for the day. Nice and cold and refreshed."

"Well, what's your special recipe today?" asked Miss Brooks bravely.

When Mrs. Davis cooked up something exotic and new, it was an open question of whether it was even edible. Or survivable! (3)

"Well, I'm sure you've heard of Baked Alaska, Connie" Mrs. Davis noted. "Well, for you today, I have a nice, fresh Yukon Omelette. Eggs mixed with mint chocolate-chip ice cream! And on the side? Some nice toasted gluten bread with whipped cream."

"I didn't know they had mint chocolate-chip ice cream in the Yukon" Miss Brooks observed evenly.

"Of course they do" Mrs. Davis replied. "It's from an old gold rush recipe."

Miss Brooks was grateful the doorbell rang, announcing the arrival Walter Denton.

"Come in, Walter" said Miss Brooks.

"Good morning, Bonjour, Buenos Dias and Boker Tov!" announced Walter Denton, in his usual squeaky tone. (4)

"Good morning to you Walter" said Mrs. Davis. "Will you excuse me for a moment? I have another little surprise waiting in the kitchen!"

"I see you're trying the multilingual approach this morning" Miss Brooks observed. "Before you take the matter to the General Assembly, how about you try this Yukon Omelette and toast. I don't seem to have much of an appetite this morning."

"What's a Yukon . . . ice cream, for breakfast?" asked Walter.

"I know it's unusual" Miss Brooks admitted. "But I wouldn't hurt Mrs. Davis' . . . .

But Walter had already taken the plate and was gobbling down the ice cream and eggs.

"This is swell" he said through a mouthful of eggs and ice cream.

"As I was saying" Miss Brooks continued, as she found it suddenly necessary to readjust her napkin and look pointedly away from Walter for good measure, "This warm weather isn't the most conducive to a healthy appetite."

"You're not kidding!" observed Walter, chewing on gluten bread and whipped cream. "For my first breakfast at home, I was only able a small stack of five blueberry pancakes!" (5)

Mrs. Davis returned with a large glass of milk for Walter.

"A growing boy like Walter needs his milk" she said.

"I would say he was three growing boys" Miss Brooks commented.

"For us, Connie" said Mrs. Davis, "I have a special coffee brewing. But I see you're not eating? Not hungry, Connie."

Miss Brooks decided not to think about the special coffee, but instead repeated her excuse for her lack of appetite.

"I guess even a Yukon omelette isn't much help in this weather" said Mrs. Davis. "Really, I find it hard to believe that Osgood will really having you working in that warm school on a day like this. And pretending to immune to the heat when he had a fan hidden in his desk drawer!" (6)

"Oh, our beloved principal no longer pretends" said Miss Brooks. "Mr. Conklin had a meeting with the other high school principals and the head of the board, Mr. Stone. For once, Mr. Conklin and his arch rival, Clay City High School's Jason Brille, (7) were on the same page. High school principals needed air conditioners in their offices. It's undignified for principals to perspire through the hot weather with the rest of us."

"And Mr. Stone agreed!" Walter Denton protested. "Old Marblehead (8) gets a fancy new $200 air conditioner in his office and the rest of us have to spend the day broiling."

"I wish we could have an air conditioner" Mrs. Davis remarked. "But that's impossible right now. That, is, unless . . . Connie, do you have the five weeks back rent you owe me?" (9)

"I wish we could have an air conditioner" Miss Brooks repeated wistfully. "But I guess that's as likely as a blizzard in June."

"A blizzard in June!" said Walter, thoughtfully. "A blizzard in June!"

"I wouldn't get your hopes up, Walter" said Miss Brooks. "The weather man's been wrong before, but not that wrong!"

Mrs. Davis excused herself and returned with two large mugs of coffee. Miss Brooks reflected on how unusual that was . . . Mrs. Davis was strict about serving coffee properly in cups and saucers.

"Here you are. Iced coffee! It's an old recipe from Algiers." (10)

"Iced coffee?" asked Miss Brooks incredulously. "Ice coffee?"

Miss Brooks tasted the unusual concoction. It was actually very good!

"Well" said Miss Brooks. "Meet me in the Casbah, Mrs. Davis! This is very good."

"I know" said Mrs. Davis smugly, as she sat down to drink her iced coffee. "It's perfect for a hot day."

"Ice coffee?" snickered Walter Denton, over his milk. "It may be very good Mrs. Davis. But, gee, I don't know, well, I'm sorry to say this. I don't think people will ever go for cold coffee. It'll just never catch on."

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) It's almost never stated where exactly the Madison of Madison High School is. Most of the time, Madison is described as a small American city. The exception is the televison program's fourth season, where Madison High School is said to have been in Los Angeles (and torn down for a new freeway to boot). As the fourth season doesn't meet the continuity of the remainder of the televison program, the radio show, or the movie, I will disregard it. I give the "Northern United States" as several radio episodes (i.e. "Skis in Classroom," "Winter Outing") and television episodes ("Blue Goldfish" and "Magic Christmas Tree") imply Madison gets cold in the winter.

(2) Several radio episodes that aired in the summer of 1949 had Miss Brooks teaching summer school. While, unsurprisingly, Walter Denton and Stretch Snodgrass had failed to make the grade, Harriet Conklin is a summer school student as well.

(3) An early running gag was Mrs. Davis' unusual recipes. By the time the program appeared on television, Mrs. Davis usually prepared more conventional fare. However, Mrs. Davis didn't give up entirely on her more creative entries. For example, in "Public Property on Parade", Mrs. Davis makes a limburger omelette that frightens away a flock of birds.

(4) Walter Denton's verbose greetings are also a running gag.

(5) Walter Denton's healthy appetite, and penchant for eating multiple breakfasts, is another running gag.

(6) Much of the plot of "Heat Wave" (radio).

(7) Mr. Conklin's rivalry with Jason Brille is at play in several episodes, including "Clay City English Teacher" (radio) and "Madison Country Club" (television).

(8) Mr. Conklin's nickname, i.e. "Old Marblehead" (television).

(9) Another running gag. Mrs. Davis thinking Miss Brooks had paid her back rent forms a large portion of the plot in the radio episode "Student Banking Account," and "The Embezzled Dress", its television equivalent.

(10) Iced coffee was virtually unknown in the United States in the 1950's.


	3. Mr Conklin

Mr. Conklin

It was a great day for Mr. Conklin. Whilst the temperature outside was already a balmy 85 degrees, in his office the window airconditioning unit kept the air as cool as a fall day. Mr. Conklin looked fondly upon his little miracle of modern technology, happily clattering on the windowsill.

"Off to class, Harriet" Mr. Conklin said pompously. "I can't have you lolly gagging about here. What kind of impression does it sent to the rest of the school if the principal's own daughter is late for class.

"Why don't I stay here and help you tidy up some more" Harriet offered. "Mr. Stone's coming this afternoon and I'm sure you'll want the place shipshape."

The place was shipshape enough to please old Captain Bligh himself. Harriet had cleaned, organized, and dusted everything . . . including the bust of Madison High School's esteemed founder, Yodar Kritch. (1) Truth be told, Harriet was stalling.

"Why don't I stay here today and help you in your office today" Harriet offered. "I'm sure my teachers won't mind my following my studies from here. I see so little of you during school hours."

"Poppycock!" Mr. Conklin scoffed. (2) "It's obvious that you're here to take advantage of the cool air. What is with the youth of today! Although an optimally climate-controlled room is advantageous for a man in my position, it is unnecessary for children. What would they have thought at Valley Forge, our brave soldiers, camped in the snow, with their feet wrapped in rags, if they knew that the children of today can't even stand a little warm weather." (3)

"Oh, alright, Daddy" Harriet said. "Just let me get my books from your inner office.

"Dismissed" said Mr. Conklin, as Harriet went out through the left-side door and to the hall by way of the small cubbyhole Madison High-ites called the "inner office". (4)

Mr. Conklin had no sooner sat down than he was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"COME IN" he ordered.

"Hello, Mr. Conklin" said Mr. Boynton, coming into the room with a small aquarium in hand. "You know my pet bullfrog Macdougall?" (5)

"Too well" groaned Mr. Conklin. "Well, why did you bring that creature into my office?"

"Glug" croaked Macdougall.

"Please, sir" Mr. Boynton continued. "Mac here is very sensitive. And this heat spell is too much for him. He's cold blooded . . . .

"Then he should do well in this weather" Mr. Conklin said sardonically.

"Meaning he can't regulate his internal body temperature as you or I" Mr. Boynton said. "Usually, he sits comfortably in the water here, but it's so warm it isn't doing him much good. And with this air conditioning unit of yours, it would be so easy for you to . . . ."

"Certainly not" said Mr. Conklin, pounding his fist on the table. "Today your frog. Tomorrow, it'll be your rabbits, mice and guinea pigs. I will not have my office serving as a refuge for assorted animals and crawling creatures too puny to survive this seasonably warm weather. Boynton, if you don't get this frog out of this office right this moment . . . ."

Mr. Conklin was interrupted by another knock.

"COME IN" Mr. Conklin shouted.

"I hope I'm not interrupting" said Miss Brooks, as she entered the room with several folders in hand. "Why, Mr. Boynton. Fancy seeing you here.

"Hello, Miss Brooks" said Mr. Boynton.

"What brings you here?" Miss Brooks replied

"Never mind what brings him. What brings you?" said Mr. Conklin.

"Well, I thought I'd drop off my third period exams a day or so early" Miss Brooks replied. "And knowing how you like to personally review . . . ."

"Knowing how I have an air conditioning unit, you decided to alibi your way in here and cool off" Mr. Conklin continued.

"Mr. Conklin" Miss Brooks joked, "how do you expect me to keep cool with Mr. Boynton in the same room?"

Mr. Boynton, for his part, turned beet red with embarrassment.

"ENOUGH of this, you goldbricks" Mr. Conklin thundered. (5) "To your classes, at once."

"Well, we tried" said Miss Brooks.

"NOW GO" ordered Mr. Conklin

After Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton and Macdougall left, Mr. Conklin locked his door contrary to his usual custom. The principal of Madison High School wanted to enjoy his air conditioned office without continued interruption. Nor having to have anyone else letting the hot air in through the hall door.

Mr. Conklin didn't have any appointments until the afternoon. It was then Conklin'd be hosting Mr. Stone to discuss the upcoming exams and summer-school classes.

"I believe I'll have my lunch sent in here today" Mr. Conklin said to himself. "No, on second thought, I believe I won't. Marty had an air conditioning unit installed just last month. (7) Of course, Marty's Malt Shop will be overcrowded with students and faculty trying to avoid the heat. Well, aside from an air conditioner, I have something most of them don't. An office telephone."

Mr. Conklin had the school switchboard (8) place him through to Marty's Malt Shop, making a lunchtime reservation at the best table in the house.

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) The bust of Yodar Kritch, Madison High School's founder, is located in Mr. Conklin's office in the first couple of seasons. The bust plays a prominent role in the episode "Baseball Uniforms" (radio) and its television remake, "Fisher's Pawn Shop".

(2) Mr. Conklin uses the phrase in "Dress Code Present" (radio).

(3) Based on a speech Mr. Conklin makes to Miss Brooks in "Blue Goldfish" (television).

(4) In "Stretch is in Love Again" (radio), "Madison High-ite" is the name an angry Judy Brille gives to Madison's faculty and students.

(5) Mr. Boynton's beloved pet frog first appears in "Game At Clay City" (radio). Macdougall (who appears to understand human speech at times) would also appear (or be discussed) in television episodes and even make an appearance in the concluding film.

(6) Mr. Conklin has a "No Goldbricking" sign posted in the film.

(7) Marty's Malt Shop was a popular hangout across the street from Madison High School, mentioned on radio, television and film.

(8) Most of the time, Mr. Conklin's telephone dials out direct. However, in "The Switchboard Operator" (radio) Madison has an operator.


	4. Denton's Prank

**Denton's Prank**

Mr. Conklin had no sooner left for lunch, than Walter Denton went in his office, accompanied with Stretch Snodgrass pushing a large crate on a handcart marked "Theatre Supplies".

The boys looked carefully around the room, then when they were assured that the office was empty, quickly shut the door behind them.

"This is going to be great" said Walter. "Old Marblehead wants to have his office cool. Why, we're going to give him a cold office!"

"What good will that do?" asked Stretch.

"If we students can't have air conditioning, there's no way we're going to let Mr. Conklin gloat here in cool comfort. I was near the switchboard when I head him reserving a booth for himself at Marty's Malt Shop. Not only does he get to stay comfortable here, he monopolizes space at the only place where us kids can stay cool in weather like this!"

"Yeah!" said Stretch.

Walter Denton went to the air conditioner, and opened up the panel.

"First, let's turn this thing all the way up. I figure this is what gives it the electrical supply. More power means too much cold which means Old Marblehead's "

With a few sparks, Walter adjusted the power. The cold air came out with a veritable roar.

"Quick, Stretch" said Walter. "Let's spread all that fake snow. We'll have our June blizzard!"

A quarter hour later, the entire room looked as if a snow squall had set in. The floor, the chairs, the filing cabinets, even Mr. Conklin's desk were covered in a couple inches of prop snow. Walter Denton even placed a scarf around the bust of Yodar Kritch, and placed a tuque on his venerable head. (1)

"I don't know, Walter" Stretch said dubiously, as he looked at the statue. "It ain't such a great idea to treat the school founder like that."

"Of course it is" said Walter, jocularly. "We want Mr. Kritch to stay warm, don't we? Besides, it's a very proper scarf and hat."

"I guess so" said Stretch. "Yeah, yeah, I guess it is."

"I wish we could see Old Marblehead's face when he sees this" Walter said wistfully. "His dread sanctum sanctorum freezing and all covered in snow."

"I got it Walter!" Stretch said. "We don't got no chance to see Mr. Conklin from here. But it ain't too hard for us to hide in Mr. Conklin's inner office and listen!"

"But he might find us!" said Walter. "No, we'd better not! Let's leave the scene of the crime. Besides, if I know Old Marblehead, we'll hear him holler halfway across the school!"

The friends took the handcart and made a quick exit from the room.

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) Walter Denton and Stretch Snodgrass team up to play pranks in "Letter from the Board of Education" (radio) and it's T.V. equivalent, "Spare That Rod!". The radio episode "School on Saturday" also sees the two conspire to get back at Mr. Conklin through some gag.


	5. June Blizzard

**June Blizzard**

After a relaxing lunch in the corner booth of _Marty's Malt Shop_ , Mr. Conklin returned to the school only to find Mr. Stone in the front lobby. The thin, bespeckled, Mr. Stone was looking disapprovingly at signs demanding "No Goldbricking" and "Zero Hour to Exams". (1)

"Why, Mr. Stone!" gushed Mr. Conklin. "If it isn't the illustrious head of our board of education. Just the personage I was hoping to meet!"

"Stop polishing the apple, Osgood" said Mr. Stone sternly (2). "We had an appointment, remember. Let's get out of this monstrous heat and into your office."

The two men went upstairs and to Mr. Conklin's office.

"Holy cow!" said Mr. Conklin, while Mr. Stone went with "Holy Smoke." (3)

With the air conditioning roaring, the snow was now flying throughout the room. Walter had his June Blizzard! The inside of the windows were plastered here and there by the imitation blizzard. Yodar Kritch looked like he was freezing in the inclement weather.

"This air conditioning unit must have gone on the blink . . . I mean it must be malfunctioning!" Mr. Conklin exclaimed. "I'll have to unplug it before I catch my death of cold." (4)

"Oh, calm down Osgood" said Mr. Stone disparagingly "The air conditioning is malfunctioning, but not so much as to fill your office with ice and snow. And this coldness will be dispersed by merely opening your windows to that scorching weather outside."

"Why, you're right" said Mr. Conklin, picking up some of the fake snow, that is after unplugging the air conditioning unit. "Someone will pay for this _fraud_."

"Well, it certainly is a galling trick, Osgood" observed Mr. Stone, brushing the snow off a chair and sitting down. "And the perpetrators deserve to be punished. However, this has given me some pause to think. Obviously this can't be the work of merely one or even a couple of students!"

"I would wager it could" said Mr. Conklin, into whose mind the name "Walter Denton" immediately made itself known. (5)

"No, this was obviously a scheme plotted by a group" insisted Mr. Stone. "It must have been to execute such an elaborate prank."

"I don't think this is the work of a widespread _mutiny_ " insisted Mr. Conklin.

"Be that as it may," Mr. Stone allowed, "these air conditioners have only been installed on a trial basis."

"Well, don't do anything hasty!" said Mr. Conklin in alarm.

"No, I believe I've been wrong" mused Mr. Stone. "Providing _only_ school principals with air conditioning promotes ill feeling amongst the student and faculty. I believe I'll use your office phone. The board will immediately remove the air conditioning units we've installed."

"Well, as long as Jason Brille doesn't get to keep his" said Mr Conklin resignedly.

"No, he certainly won't" said Mr. Stone. "I believe the feelings at Clay City High School would be much the same as Madison. Of course, school board headquarters is another matter. It's open all year long you know, and you can't have the board suffer through the heat! And the students assuredly won't take offense to _that_."

"Of course not" said Mr. Conklin, though he himself was certainly taking offense.

Mr. Conklin left Mr. Stone to make his call, and went out to the hall by way of his inner office. He immediately heard Walter Denton's cackling laugh. (6)

"Can you imagine Old Marblehead's expression when he walked in the room and saw that blizzard?" cackled Walter. "And when Mr. Stone told him that he was going to lose that air conditioning unit?"

"Yeah" said Stretch. "But shouldn't we be getting out of the hallway? What if Mr. Conklin comes out and finds us?"

"Old Marblehead goes in and out his main door" said Walter. "He almost never comes or goes via the inner office."

"AHA" said Mr. Conklin, turning the corner and surprising the suddenly terrified Walter Denton and Stretch Snodgrass. "HE DOES NOW!" (7)

"What . . . what are you going to do?" quavered Stretch.

"To you Snodgrass. . . nothing" said Mr. Conklin. "I need you in top form for the rest of baseball season. NOW GO!" (8)

And Stretch Snodgrass was off in a flash.

"As for you, Denton" Mr. Conklin continued, " _if_ the school furnace was online this time of year I would sentence you to serve out the rest of the school year shovelling coal for Mr. Barlow." (9)

"That was close" said Walter, with a sigh of relief.

"Closer than you think" said Mr. Conklin. "Instead, you'll be spending the next few weeks in the broiling school kitchen helping the cook. Every lunch period and every free period you have. One hour in the morning before school and one hour after school! After all, we can't have the school cook labouring over a hot stove this time of year!"

"But that's tyranny!" objected Walter. "More than that, it's medieval tyranny! It's . . . ." (10)

"It starts now, under pain of expulsion if you delay" ordered Mr. Conklin, who wrote his order down on a notepad and handed a slip of paper to Walter. "I'll be checking with the cook on your progress. NOW GO!"

And Walter Denton was gone.

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) In the concluding movie, Mr. Stone quotes these signs as evidence that Mr. Conklin's strictness is "tantamount to malfeasance." This move was anticipated in the episodes "Spare That Rod!" (televison) and its predecessor, "Letter from the Board of Education" (radio). Here, Walter Denton uncovers an old letter from Mr. Stone threatening to fire Mr. Conklin's predecessor, Mr. Darwell, due to unnecessary strictness.

(2) Mr. Conklin always refers to his superior as Mr. Stone; Mr. Stone always refers to his inferior as Osgood. The one exception appears to be the original radio version of "Conklin's Wake-up Plan", where Mr. Stone mentions having played football with "Flash Conklin" in high school. Supposedly, Mr. Stone also refers to the other principals by their first names. In "Project X", Mr. Stone refers to "Jason Brille" of Clay City High School in like manner.

(3) Their respective exclamations in "The Dancer" (radio).

(4) In "Reckless Driving" (radio) and "Trial by Jury" (the television adaptation), Mr. Conklin is said to be a hypochondriac.

(5) "Cure that Habit" (radio and television); "Letter from the Education Board" and "Spare That Rod" (respective radio and televison versions of the same story); and "Turnabout Day" (television) are examples of Walter Denton's more ingenious (and egregious) pranks.

(6) In "Mr. Leblanc needs $50" (radio and television), Harriet Conklin asks Walter "How long have you been in the hallway cackling to yourself?"

(7) Compare to Walter Denton's reaction at being discovered in "Cure that Habit" (radio and television). On other occasions, Miss Brooks is able to protect Walter Denton from being discovered or leastways punished too severely.

(8) Mr. Conklin shows similar favouritism in "Stretch the Basketball Star" (radio, also Stretch Snodgrass' introductory appearance) and in "Stretch to Transfer" (radio) and "Two Way Stretch Snodgrass" (television remake).

(9) Several episodes make it apparent that Madison High School has a coal-fire furnace, the furnace actually being shown in "Public Property on Parade" and "The Festival" (television). Custodian Mr. Barlow appears in "The Loaded Custodian" (television) and "Puppy Love and Mr. Barlow" (radio). Earlier radio episodes see the extremely literal-minded Mr. Jensen as school custodian.

(10) Walter Denton's reaction to Mr. Conklin's actions in "Non-Fraternization Policy".


	6. The New Air Conditioner

**The New Air Conditioner**

When Miss Brooks arrived home, it was still extremely warm. Outside. But inside, it had cooled down considerably. And who was inside? Why Mrs. Davis and Mr. Boynton. Hovering over a new Air Conditioner.

"Thank you, Mr. Boynton" Mrs. Davis was saying. "I thought you could fix it."

"It was no problem, Mrs. Davis" said Mr. Boynton. "Somebody just misadjusted the power."

"Where did you get this?" asked Miss Brooks.

"Fischer's pawn shop (1)" Mrs. Davis explained. "I traded the rugs for this air conditioner. You know how I always pawn them for the summer! It's much cheaper than paying for storage."

"Yes, I know" said Miss Brooks amused. "You're quite the businesswoman when you want to be!"

"Aren't I?" said Mrs. Davis proudly.

"But what was Mr. Fischer doing with an air conditioner?" asked Miss Brooks. "Who would pawn an air conditioner?"

"It seems Mr. Stone abandoned the school air conditioning project, too much bad feeling among the students" said Mr. Boynton.

"Not to mention the faculty!" said Miss Brooks.

"Well, one of them was broken and the repairman sold it to Mr. Fischer" Mrs. Davis said. "You know how the pawn shop is right near the school!"

"The important thing is that now you and Mrs. Davis will be able to cool off" Mr. Boynton observed.

"Won't you stay for dinner, Mr. Boynton?" asked Mrs. Davis. "It's difficult to eat in this heat. And maybe you can stay for a few hours in the living room and talk with us. It's such a warm evening."

"I'd be happy too" said Mr. Boynton.

"What do you know" Miss Brooks said wryly. "An air conditioner not only cools you off. It's a is a very good lure."

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) Fisher's pawn shop figures prominently in "Fischer's Pawn Shop" and "Baseball Uniforms" (television and radio, respectively).


	7. Frog Hunting

**Frog Hunting**

Many years later, Daisy Leblanc nee Enright was laughing at Connie's recount of the incident.

"When did you discover Walter's role in all this?" she asked.

"Not for a couple days" said Connie. "Walter wasn't one to let his sentence to cafeteria duty on my behalf go unrewarded. At least he claimed it was for me!"

"Knowing you, I wager you didn't let that go without remark!"

"No, that's true" said Connie. "I didn't."

The two women were interrupted by the noisy arrival of Pete with a box. As for Philip Boynton, he arrived a few paces later. Pete was soaking wet, while his great-grandfather was mostly dry.

"Look, Great-Grandma" said the little boy, dropping the box into Connie's lap. "Three frogs!"

"That's nice, dear" said Connie, who quickly placed the box on the coffee table.

"Don't forget to tell Great-Grandma what I told you" said Philip.

"Oh yes . . . they're Lithobates catesbeianus just like Macdougall was" said Pete.

"I know" said Connie dryly. "My dear old friend and rival."

"You wanna see?" said Pete.

"Well first, we need to get you into some nice warm, dry clothes" said Connie amiably.

"Peter dear, it isn't "You wanna see" added Daisy kindly. "We say "Would you like to see?"

"Sure, Aunt Daisy" said Pete amicably. "You wanna see!"

"No, don't!" interjected Philip.

Too late. Pete had taken off the lid of the box and three very active bullfrogs were now hopping around the room.

"Oh, my!" observed Daisy.

"Well, Daisy" said Connie resignedly. "I suppose we can enjoy some indoor frog hunting. All the fun with none of the risk."

 **The End**


End file.
